rooftoprunaway

today was a good day

Its approximately 1145 right now and i decided to finally start blogging again. Clear the head maybe figure a few things out.

I decided to finally lose this weight. Granted im 142 lbs and thats not completely horrible i have always wanted to get really fit and work my way back down to at least 120. So this quarter i am getting my stuff together and am going to work hard for a flat tummy and a 4.0. Its been two years since i really have made time to work on myself and with this whole breakup being 2 months in i am finally ready to do this. Right now the task seems so much larger than it really is and i feel defeated already. But, this time i will not give up on myself despite the fact that i feel like everyone has.


On top of all of this i think Jeff is talking to someone else. Not sure but i have this feeling/ notion that he has already moved on. Maybe this is my motivation to get my life together. Not sure all i know is i am more motivated than i have ever been before.


Anyways i will be updating the blog every wednesday night with updates on how i am doing and new and interesting things that are going on with me


-tina

PS Spring Break was sooooo epic. cant believe i am now a junior and college is pretty much halfway done.

Dear Jeff,

It's been a month and a half today since we broke up, and although at this moment you have cut me from your life I feel as though today is the perfect time for me to write you this letter. This is because i am no longer angry and no longer frustrated with you, but i still feel the pain, and i know the day you come back, probably months from now, when you are ready to face this and talk i wont be there and i want to be able to give you this letter from a time when everything was so fresh and broken for me.

There are so many questions i have for you if only i could write them down fast enough. Things like remember Great America the day i fell in love with you, remember how happy we were...what happened to us? When did everything get so serious? Why did you give up on me? Wasn't i worth fighting for? I thought i meant so much to you...when did everything change? Although, today, these questions repeat in my head on a daily basis, i know eventually these questions will become more unimportant as time passes. I want you to know that I never knew i could love anyone as much as i loved you. You were truly my best friend and the person who knew me inside and out. Even after we broke up my love for you never changed. As you know my father doesn't really say much to me but at the time right before we decided to end it, when i went to talk to him about it, he told me that breaking up is sometimes important because it lets you know whether or not it is possible to live without that person. He told me to take a month or so to figure it out and then i would know exactly how i felt.

After a month or so after the break up i came to a point where i seriously thought that i couldn't live another day without you. You brought so much joy, hope, and laughter into my life that i couldn't see you not being in my life as the one. This is probably why i called you several times crying seeing how you felt, asking so many thought provoking questions. I was really hoping when called that you had been feeling the same way. But i see now that sometimes the way i envision my life turning out isn't always the way God has planned my life; which was evident the day you told me to just let you go.

I know that many words were said out of anger and frustration and i want to say that i am so sorry. Many of the things i had said you didn't deserve. I wish many of them i could take back. I know that a lot of our problems stemmed from the fact that i felt that you never meant what you said and in the end i know this pushed you away. Especially because i know that you constantly tried to convince me that you were sincere in everything you said. This is why, today, i let you go and i want you to know that you are completely off the hook with me. I want nothing more than for you to live an amazing life and for you to be happy. The day you meet someone new i want you to know that i wont be angry or bitter. I will be so happy for you because i know that God has such a beautiful life planned for you even though i am not apart of it.

I feel as though through this breakup it has been so easy to have feelings of hate and resentment but if the Lord has been teaching me anything these past few weeks it is the importance of love. This past week it seems like God keeps bringing me to 1 Corinthians 13 and although today i'm still in love with you i'm learning to love you in a different way. I want you to know that everything that happened between us, i wont hold it against you. Thats all in the past now and from this day forward i am going to try my hardest to give us a blank slate. I want you to now that i am ALWAYS here for you and i am just a phone call away if you ever need some friendly advice or a way to pass the time.

I thank God almost everyday for the support system that you have at home. You've always known that I've loved your family and I'm so gracious that they are able to be there for you right now. On top of that i am happy that you have amazing friends who care so much about you. God has blessed you so much. And you know what i know now that God has blessed me more than i thought he did.

There is one favor i want to ask of you after you read this letter, and that is to please not respond. I was serious when i told you that when i got over you the first time i would never come back. And although walking away is probably the hardest thing i have had to do in my life thus far i know that by the time you receive this letter that i will have moved on with my life and i don't want to relive the nights that i stayed up crying and hoping that you would finally call or the times i was home wishing you would just come by and say hi and hug me really tight to where i knew everything was going to be okay again. A response from you would only bring those feelings back and if you loved me like i know you did then please, its your turn, just let me go.

-Christina




It seems all of these words couldn't be further from the truth
How did I get here? What did I do?

Your eyes, telling me lies
And making me find myself
While you have your agenda, a life to pursue

So please,
Let me be free from you.
And please, let me be free
I can face the truth.

I'm blind to all of your colors
That used to be rainbow then
My eyes, where did they go to?
Why disappear?

It's hard to be all alone
I never got through your disguise
I guess I'll just go, and face all my fear

So please,
Let me be free from you
And please, let me be free
I can face the truth.

Put down your world
Just for one night
Pick me again

So please,
Let me be free from you
And please, let me be free
I can face the truth

-Secondhand Serenade

ah. life at irvine has been so not what i expected...in a good and bad way. at times i may think that this will be the end of me but i think that i am going to grow so much as a person but more in my relationship with Christ! And that is definitely what i am thankful for. I feel as though i am learning so much about trust and who i should be able to rely on. Freshman year is almost over all i need to worry about is maintaining that 3.8!

Im taking matters into my own hands now.

Recently i read this book by Judy Blume. It was entitled forever... and was a story about these two kids in highschool who fell and love and then after being apart lost it. Haha i feel kinda dumb reading it because it kinda puts thoughts in my head about whats going to happen between me and Jeff. I was really captivated by the book because as every chapter went by i felt like she had been stalking me and Jeff and documenting what happend and like it was me she was writing about, until the end. At the end of the book the gitrl katherine went off to work at camp for 7 weeks and she met this guy there and suddenly her love for michael started to change and she gave him up for theo. I really wonder if distance can really pursuade you to forget about how strong your bond is with someone and how easily you can let go. Eh. Just like Emily says. "Tina. its just a book" lol

Well yesterday was a rollercoster of emotions. i had to work in the morning and then after that i had to leave to go to alexas and matts wedding. Unfortunatly Jeff never told me i looked nicem, infact he wouldnt even talk to me. Anways we were super fustrated with eachother and i dont even know why. i was ready to give up throw my hands up in the air say a few cus words and scream take me home. But I definatly contained myself and swallowed my pride and we fought/talked about it and every thing was great after that. He took me mini golfing after the wedding and we had such a blast. We didnt really mini golf either we just putted the ball sillily (WTF?) and had a great time. Then we went back to my home and he is working on getting closer to my family because i like his family and is semi close to them. So yes after mini golfing everything was great it was better than normal and we fell asleep together while watching tv and woke up at 1 and i had to drive him home and it was like crap what the hell but it was so much fun i wish we didnt wake up at all. Sigh... i leave for college soon and im super excited. I have al my dorm stuff upstairs but nothing is in boxes yet. I wish Jeff wasnt going back to his work but he has to i am going to miss him so much. He got a job offer to work the weekends up at koinia for 11 dolars and hour but i really hope he doesnt take it.

i feel guilty this is no good.

So im really craving a starbucks right now... infact i get off work at 7 then i think im going to head over to starbucks in high hopes to see my friend emilee whose cousin just died int his super brutal car accident. Really today was a total bore no one came in and bought anything cool from my store it was all back to school crap as we like to call it. Anyways my ten is almost over and i figure i should go so that i can release the next person out of his bondage :(. One thing i cant wait for is jeff to get back God, i really miss him and wanna kiss him [breaks out into song] hehe anyways i really better go. And i need to write a mental note to write in my diary tonight about all the crazy things that have happened to me thses last three days!!

I'd never thought I'd live to see myself become an adult. To tell you the truth even though i am 18 it is really pushing it to consider myself an adult. Regardless of that i have learned so much this past year.
the first thing i learned is that i have no idea who i am and as of right now that is okay. Sammy left today for New York (NYU) it's hard to believe that i wont be able to drive over to Berkeley (UCB) to see her beautiful smile. She got into this amazing dance program there and she is also studying psychology. Have you ever questioned your purpose in life? i mean when it comes to Sammy i know that she is going to change the world whether it be through dance or medicine or even both and i mean that as sincerely as possible, ben then i think about me and my purpose. Anyways, the second thing i learned is that in life you need to take chances. Last week or wait two days ago my friend Clark and his friend Sarah both dies in a car accident. He was 18 and she was 17 meaning they were both close to my age. But apperantly their purpose is over and as of today mine isnt. Kelsey always tells me to live life to the fullest without being stupid. Thats what i have started to do.

The next thing i have learned to do is open up. Ever since Robby broke my heart Sophomore year i have been such a closed book and i know that Jeff has had to suffer because of my past experiences. But im scared to open up to him about many things. The first would be my struggle with weight/eating. Some days i look my body and im thankful that im not seriously overweight, then other days i look in the mirror and think Tina, how could you let yourself go like this? I really hope i lose weight in college. The next is my family i really want Jeff to become close to my family but he already has an amazingly unseperable one...why would he want another? Also i need to let him into my heart. Some days i feel i worry too much much about loosing him that i end up driving him away.

After our last big fight or should i say serious conversation, the third thing i learned is that i need God in every aspect in my life and since me and jeff cant make it on our own we need to rely and grow in God together and hope that makes our bond stronger. Lately i have been growing so much in God learning to love Him again i realize how he is the only one when there is no one else.